8/17/2020 UPDATE: Made some small changes to the post, specifically the use of profanity. It is one thing to use profanities in my fiction, but I think it is more important to present a more sanitized, accessible view here. While I do prefer to write in the more “raw” style of the original post, I also have a responsibility as an educator to ensure that nothing on my platform compromises my professional image.

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I’ve had a rough past week. I’ve been incredibly anxious and it has effected every aspect of my life; my sleep schedule is off, I’m not eating well, and I have constant headaches. I attributed it to the normal stuff, such as work restarting soon under heavy restrictions and financial woes but I slowly started to realize that this anxiety was different. I wasn’t upset or worried, but rather angry.

Truth is, I am really angry at a lot of different things right now.

I’m angry at people that don’t wear masks, or even worse, those troglodytes who don’t wear their mask over their noses.

I’m angry at people spouting completely unsubstantiated lies despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

I’m angry at our elected officials for not finding a solution for those of us who are still on unemployment due to Covid19 before taking a month long vacation.

I’m angry that a large portion of my fellow Americans can’t figure out that the rest of the world is laughing at us. I love this country with all my heart, and to me that means acknowledging that there are problems that need to be addressed. Blind patriotism is incredibly dangerous.

I’m angry at the greed of organizations that put profit over the safety of the public.

I’m angry about the lack of matches I get on dating sites.

I’m angry at people that post on talkingsoccer.com. What used to be half way decent source of information for the youth soccer world has devolved into a hate filled cesspool.

I’m angry that barely anyone reads my short stories despite the massive amount of time and effort I put in.

I’m angry that out future is looking more likely to be Idiocracy than it is like Star Trek.

I’m angry that their are people who are completely fine with bringing others down or spreading misinformation because they “do it for the lulz.” Seriously, internet trolls are the absolute worst.

I. Am. Angry.

…

I also don’t admit how angry I am nearly enough, which is where the problems lie.

My first instinct when something is bugging me is to lock it in and bury it. If I’m upset, or in this case angry, that’s my problem, not everyone else’s. Unfortunately, my storage vault for things that are bugging me is clearly finite, which is something I have known for ages but still try to cram stuff in there like it will fit. As we all know, if you don’t take out the garbage every now and then it tends to overflow. In my case, that overflow was disparaging a middle aged man in Whole Foods for not having his mask covering his nose and ignoring distancing measures.

Every therapist or counselor that I have seen has always expressed the importance of getting things out in the open. I am a very private person and hate sharing anything about myself. Honestly, that is part of the reason I don’t update very often. I view myself as a bit player in the grand scheme of things and don’t like the idea of burdening others with my issues. Despite this, I know full well that the best solution for my woes is to speak out and share them with anyone who will listen. In this case, it is the one or two people who may actually read this. Even as I was finishing listing off things I was angry about I could feel some of that weight coming off my chest.

I also came to the realization that most of my anger is rooted in fear. I’m terrified of catching Covid19 due to my heart condition and slight obesity. I’m terrified that the United States has been going down a path of no return for a while now and that it is likely going to come to an end in my lifetime. I am terrified by the level of ignorance shown by so many people these days. I am petrified by the idea that my writing just isn’t very good. I’m scared that I will eventually die alone and insignificant.

I think Master Yoda said it best: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” Like so many others, my fears have led to anger which is currently causing me to suffer. At times like this, I am reminded of another great quote from Frank Herbert’s Dune:

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

The Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

I go too long without identifying my fears, which in turn makes me angry, which then causes me to have anxiety attacks. I don’t pretend to know it all, but I do know that addressing what angers me allowed me to get a real look at the things that scare me. By looking at those fears and accepting that they are part of me, I put myself on the first step towards alleviating some of that fear, and thus, preventing some of that anger. It may not solve anything in the long run, but I can almost guarantee that I will sleep much better tonight having laid everything out in the open.

What makes you angry nowadays and what fear is it that causes that anger? Let me know in the comments.